Application to Date My Daughter
(Note to applicant: This application will be considered incomplete unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.)
Drivers License #:
Boy Scout Rank:
City you hail from:
Copy of your birth certificate/ Social Security Card:
1) Do you have a male and female part? (Note to applicant: Explain throughly if you awnsered yes.)
2) Do you have proof that you're all male?
3) Do you have one male and female parent?
4) How many years have they been married?
5) Do you have any brothers and sisters? Are they all from the same mother/fathre?
6) Do you own or have access to a van, truck with oversized tires, or a waterbed or bed of any kind? This includes kitchen counters, showers, couches and garages.
7) Do you have any body piercings? Do you have an earing, nose ring, bely button ring, nipple..... If you do, please tell me where, how many, why you did it and what was it done with.
8) Any tattos?
9) In 5,000 words or more please awnser the following questions. What does late mean to you? What does don't touch my daughter mean to you? What does abstinence mean you ? What does real pain mean to you?
10) If you awnsered yes to #s 6,7, or 8 discontinue apllication filling and leave immediatly.
11) Church/Temple attended? How often?
12) When would be the best time to interview yor mother, father, kindegarden teacher, and priest/ rabbi?
Please fill in the following blanks
13) If I were shot, the last place I would want wounded would be my........
14) If I were beaten, the last bone in my body I would want broken would be......
15) A womans place is in the ........
16) The one thing I'm glad this application didn't ask would be.......
When I meet a girl, the first thing I always notice about her first is her....
(Note: If this awnser begins with T or A, discontinue and leave. Be sure to keep head low. Running in a rabbit fashion is well advisable. You haved been warned.)
17) What do you want to be if you ever grow up?
I swear that all of the above information is correct to the best of my knowlege. Under the penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture, and mental abuse I......................................will abide by abide by all laws concluding employment.
State Representative Signature
(Note: Thank you for your interest. It'd better be genuine and non-sexual. This application takes 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted by writing if approved. If not, you need not to apply again. EVER Don't call me or my daughter. If you do, my attorney will call you.)
Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex
You can GET chocolate
If you love me then you'll swallow it has real meaning
IT satisfys you even when it has gone soft
You can safely have it while driving
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to
You can eat it in front of your mother
If you bite the nuts to hard, only your teeth will hurt
the word commitment doesnt scare it off
Two people of the same sex can haves some in public at the same time without astonished looks
You can have it on top of your desk during regular hours without upsetting co-workers
You can ask a stranger for it without scaring them off
You don't get hair in your mouth
Theres no need to fake it with choclate
It cant get you pregnant
You can have some any time of the month
Good chocolate is easy to find
You can have as many different kinds at one time as you want
Youre never to young or to old
IT doesnt keep your neighbors awake at night
With chocoalte size doesnt matter. Its all good
Ways to P* Off a Cop
When you get pulled over, say whats wrong ossifer? There's no blood in my alcohol. Is there?
When he asks why you were speeding, tell him that you wanted to race.
When he talks to you pretent that you are deaf.
If he asks you if you knew how fast you were going, say no. My speedometer only foes to......
Ask you can see his gun and registration.
When he says no, ask if he wants to see yours cause it's larger anyway.
Touch him suggestively.
When he asks why you were speeding, tell hime to by you a cool hat.
Ask him where he got his from.
Refer to him by his first name
Pretent youre gay and ask him out.
When he says no, cry.
if he says yes, file for sexual harrasment
If its a woman, tell her how unatractive that she looks in a uniform.
IF they ask you to step out of the car, imediatly throw yourself agains tthe hood of the car and frisk yourself
When he asks you to spread them, tell him you dont play that way
WHen he slaps the handcufs on, tell hime that your dates buy dinner first.
Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, you dont like ink on your fingers
After you sign the ticket, say oops thats the wrong name
Sign the ticket using the officers name and tell him what a co ink a dink it was
Bribe him with donuts
If he aggrees tell him you just murdered the last one
Say License and Registration please at the same time that he does
Trip him with the car door
Accuse him of police brutality whenhe wont let you kiss him
Before you sign anything, pick your nose
Its his pen
DIg in your ears with it
Play with the spring inside
Ask if he has a daughter, if he does tell him that the name sounded familiar
Ask him if he ever worked in a prison, if he did ask him how the plumbing was
Start repeating everything he says
When he comes to the car tell him that you have a badge just like his
Ask if he everwatched cop rock
If he did, giggle
Ask if he know Rosy Palm and her five friends
When he frisks you tell him that he missed a spot
When he asks to inspect your car say that you have no alchol in it anymore
The last cop got it
try to sell him your car
Ask if you can borrow his
if he takes you to the station, sit in front
tinkle with the siren
say you had his wife for dinner
oopss...over for dinner
Ask if he ever drunk Pu-Tang-Er
If youre in the back, carress his neck with your finger
if he pulls out his night stick, ask where hes going to put it
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning,
the wife (undoubtedly blonde also), picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"
and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't
know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'
Two blondes are walking down the street: One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it; looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says,
"Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second
one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is
really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so
she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The
boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "O.K.,
what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy:
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant? "Is it mine?"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and
dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for
help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
The FBI Interviews Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife." The guy says, "No way," and leaves FBI headquarters. The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses. Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. "What happened?" asks the FBI agent. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair."
Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the
counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day.
We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At
one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed
up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling
both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much
delight of the appreciative onlookers.
Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage
insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and
I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and
get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our
Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and
wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked
adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so
well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas
cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the
photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had
captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
I think this one is the funniest Roberto H.
The following are the top four winners of a Most Embarrassing
Na-na na-na na-nah!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold
of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what
they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of
the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door
closed behind me were screams of laughter.
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed, we heard the
telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a
piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we
didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!"
My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my
friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of
shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no
one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a
long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the
rear of the store apparently understood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU
WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went
back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered
that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The
teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone
his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned
to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school."
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with > sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at > passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't > disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is: > Xena-Warrior-Princess@OCDSB.edu.on.ca > Elvis-the-King@OCDSB.edu.on.ca
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, > ask if they want fries with that.
5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once > everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, > switch to espresso.
8) In the memo field of all your cheques, write > "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."
9) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance > with the prophecy."
10) Dont use any punctuation
11) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
12) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh > hysterically after they answer.
13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
14) Sing along at the opera.
15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems > don't rhyme.
16) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play > a tape of jungle sounds all day.
17) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't > attend their party because you're not in the mood.
18) Have your coworkers address you by your > wrestling name, Rock Hard.
19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream > "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
20) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the > parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
21) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, > we are going to have to let one of you go." And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
22) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, > even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to > send them stuff like this.
Blonde Scout Leader Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out. They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would. About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
(Continue on to check your answers)
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
(Canares, from the Latin, meaning dogs)
PS: The Canary Islands are in the Atlantic Ocean.
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? Thirty years
What do you mean, you failed!?
A couple was golfing one day on an exclusive golfcourse lined with million-dollar houses. Off the third tee, the wife hit the ball right through the window of the biggest house on the course. Embarrassed, they ran up to the house and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in."
Entering the house, they saw glass all over the floor, a broken bottle lying in the foyer, and a man sitting on the couch. "Are you the people who broke my window?" he asked.
"Yes we are, but we're very sorry," the husband said.
"Actually I wanted to thank you." The man replied. "I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle you broke. Since you've released me, I'm allowed to grant two wishes - one for you and one for myself."
"Wow!" the husband replied. "In that case, I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"Granted." The genie told him. "Now for my wish...I've been trapped in that bottle, and without a woman, for a thousand years, so my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife, then shrugged. "Well, we did get a lot of money, so I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for hours. When they were finally done, he rolled over, looked at the wife, and asked, "How old is your husband?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"